As much as we love a traditional Valentine’s Day, we would probably love it a lot more at a school where the football frat’s catch phrase isn’t “why date you when I could Thete you?” As much as the thought of Thete-rape makes us want to hang out with the fencing team, we believe that these remarkable young men may actually be on to something. To celebrate Brown’s “hit it and quit it” MO on V-day, we’ve compiled a list of our five favorite places to bang on campus. Even if you don’t subscribe to the rest of Brown’s philosophy, you’ll still need a way to burn off all those chocolate and fancy dinner calories…
The baseball field: You really couldn’t ask for a better place to hit a home run. Nuff said.
The bubble: Just a stone’s throw from the baseball field, the bubble better be stop number two on your tour of the athletic facilities. Hurry, though, the new pool won’t be nearly as easy to break into. Try not to make everyone jealous, those thin walls project noise like nobody’s business.
Keeney Lounge: Naturally, we would do anything to add to the perpetual shitshow that is the Keeney Quadrangle. Just make sure you check this one off your bucket list at least after 2 am…you most certainly don’t want the DPS officer hanging around to find overly-inebriated freshmen to evaluate exactly how flexible you are….good thing that if you do get caught, you can disappear into Keeney and never be found…and possibly never leave. Place is a goddamned labyrinth. Also avoid the couches at all cost. We’re looking for the story here; we never said the place wasn’t grimy as fuck.
13th floor of the scili: Since it’s the first vertically-oriented library in the country, what better place to get horizontally-oriented than the highest floor of the highest point in Providence? Hopefully up there the view of the city isn’t the only great view you’ll be having…
Saloman: You can thank the notorious Saloman boy for the addition of this one to the list. The building may just be a giant lecture hall filled with rows of folding chairs, but who says you can’t perform on the stage? Break a leg.
So leggo ladies, stop eating the chocolate you bought yourself and start celebrating your singularity by getting shithoused and (hopefully) having your shit rocked by one of the Ivy League’s finest.
“Let the sexcapades begin.”
WE love Brown